If you missed it, Katy Perry, the singer extraordinaire, made an off color, dirty, yet funny joke at the end of her recent guest appearance on The Simpsons. To see the joke, watch the video below.
Oh, to be muppet Moe Sizlack!
Of course, The Simpsons were playing off of the old "That's not my belly button" joke that I heard growing up. There are many versions out it out there; here is one (this one from aardvarkarchie.com
"Class dismissed!" the teacher yelled but little Johnny doesn't go. He walks to the teachers desk and says, "Teacher can i go home with you?" The teacher says "No!" Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy." So the teacher says, "Okay." They get to the teachers house and she says, "Well i'm going to take a quick shower, you sit right here." "Can i take a shower with you?" he asks. The teacher says "No!" Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy." So the teacher says, "Well okay, I guess." So their in the shower and little Johnny says, "Can i turn off the lights?" The teacher says "No!" Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy." So the teacher says, "Okay." So the lights are off and little Johnny says, "Can i stick my finger in your belly button?" The teacher says "No!" Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy." "Well okay." says the teacher, "JOHNNY!, that's not my belly-button!" "Yeah? and that's not my finger eather!"
I've also heard a version with a couple the night before their wedding, etc.
For those of you with too interesting of lives to care about the latest scheme by Hollywood to sell extra movie tickets, I thought that I would take a few minutes to tell you about the latest movie designed to squeeze a few more bucks out of the pockets of men everywhere: Black Swan.
As much fun as I think that it would be to see Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman kissing anyone in a movie, I do have to object a little bit when they start kissing each other. On the one hand, I find the display visually pleasing, just like any guy would. At the same time, I get the same kind of uncomfortable feeling that I get when I see a pretty waitress at a crowded restaurant spending just a little too much time over at a table full of single guys and bending over just a little too far when she picks up their plates: the waitress might be flirting with them because she likes them, but in my experience she probably just wants a bigger tip.
Hot Waitress: Wants Your Money, Not Your Number
This is the exact same feeling that I get in this case. I can't shake the feeling that Hollywood is making yet another movie with a lesbian kiss, not because they want to express an idea artistically but because they want to sell more tickets to lonely guys who think both Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis are super attractive. This brings me to the whole point of my article: Hollywood and its obsession with "fake lesbians".
Selma Hayek: Another Hollywood Fake Lesbian
Fake Lesbians are Hollywood's Best Friends:
From Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in Black Swan to Denise Richards and Neve Campbell in Wild Things to Katy Perry singing about kissing a girl, Hollywood is very persistent in promoting this illusion that the sell to guys across the world that hot, normal looking, sexy girls are bisexual reservoirs of uncontrollable hormones that need other girls as a safety valve.
Wild Things: Denise Richards & Neve Campbell
The reality is that most real world lesbians that I've ever met fall into the category of either an Ellen Degeneres clone, Rosie O'Donnell's twin sister, or someone who could easily be mistaken for the half man, half woman character from 50 First Dates played by Lusia Strus. For most of these women, the idea of femininity is about as foreign and unrealistic as the idea of me having lunch on the moon.
Tatu: they're not lesbians, they just play them on TV.
Real Lesbians:
Real Lesbians: Sexy, huh?
Not exactly the type that you're likely to see in a movie any time soon.
Another example:
Fake Lesbian: (think Cruel Intentions)
Sarah Michelle Gellar -- Fake Lesbian
Real Lesbian: (think fat arse talk show host):
Rosie O'Donnell -- Real Lesbian
For those guys among you who think that I'm being too harsh here, as Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars Episode III would say, "Search your feelings. You know it to be true." For all of the women who think that I'm being too harsh, well, you either are one or you know one so STFU!
I hope you enjoyed the pictures. Now, if I could only figure out a way to use fake lesbians to make me rich . . .
